Things are about to get real messy in Boise.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Micron HQ Orders Building Sized Roll of Toilet Paper in Anticipation of AT Trial
Things are about to get real messy in Boise.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Rambus shares up on Buddhist monk’s dream of settlement and rumored fortune cookie message
Mon Nov 9, 2009 5:44pm EST
SAN FRANCISCO, Nov 9 (Roosters) - Rambus Inc shares rose 9 percent on Monday after a Buddhist monk, Jyon Danfu, shared a dream he had after an especially long night of rambunctious chanting and 2nd hand incense smoke inhalation, predicting that the microchip designer would reach a legal settlement with a company that sounded like “Mycrumb” or” Mycon” or perhaps ”Micron” Technology Inc.
The dream found its way to www.investorvillage.com where longsuffering investors couldn’t help but notice the similarities to Jyon Danfu’s name and the name of Rambus' former general counsel, John Danforth, who has recently made similar predictions regarding settlements with Micron. Unfortunately, the authenticity of Jyon Danfu’s status as a monk and whether Mr. Danforth is who he claims is could not be verified by our reporter who was also working undercover in an opium house in the Wushi providence. Danforth resigned from the company in October 2007. With his newfound internet fame as the “incense insider” and his monthly stock picking service, Jyon Danfu is considering denouncing his life as a monk and moving to the mountains of Boise Idaho.
"It's the only reason we can see for the stock's movement," said Keystone Investments analyst Jeff Shrapnel, adding the stock is frequently pushed as much as 10 percent in a day by rumors of buyouts, hostile alien takeovers and images of mushroom clouds over Boise that frequently and miraculously appear on Steve Appleton’s morning toast.
Jyon Danfu’s 90 minute dream included a 5 minute intermission act depicting men from various DRAM manufacturing companies wearing black and white stripped business suits with numbers on them being pecked relentlessly by a large angry rooster. In addition to the dream, Danfu claims to have eaten three fortune cookies recently that all made references to the significance of January 11, 2010 and feels that some cataclysmic event will either start or be narrowly avoided on this date.
Due to the impact of the dream, Jyon Danfu is recommending investors buy Rambus and consider investing in his leveraged “10X ultra bear cartel impending doom” fund that shorts Samsung, Hynix, and Micron and uses a highly leveraged strategy to provide maximum returns with almost no risk.
Rambus declined to comment on the Danfu fund, the dream and the posts made by the man who claims to be John Danforth, but the smile on Harold Hughes’ face leaves little room for doubt on his excitement over the events of the next few months.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Federal Judge pleads overwork, calcium deficiency and jeans that were “way too tight”- reverses decision
Agrees to doctor monitored IV milk drip, sleeping in until 5:35 AM on Saturdays and loose fitting sweat pants under robes.
A federal judge pleaded a whole host of excuses in the reversal of her prior ruling that a pair of the Johanson & Johanson subsidiary's stent patents were unenforceable in an infringement lawsuit against Bob Scientific.
A federal judge apologized to both parties and the federal bench in overturning a prior, erroneous ruling that a pair of J & J unit Courtdis Corp.'s stent patents were unimportant, unintelligible, unclear and yes, you guessed it, unenforceable.
Judge Sueusand Robussome of the U.S. District Court for the District of Tupperware said her 2002 decision in Courtdis Corp. v. Bob Scientific Corp. et al. was completely out of whack and reversed the opinion, setting the stage for yet another round in the more than 10-year-old case.
"I note in this regard, with deeply sincere sincerity and regrettable regret, that this matter ended up buried among the multitude of matters including a Christmas shopping list (and the tens of thousands of pages of motions, briefs and appendices) filed by the parties associated with just the various stent cases on my docket, not to mention the papers filed in the dozens of other patent cases on my docket. My sincere apologies to the Federal Circuit and to the parties. I’m just glad that I’m young enough that we can start the whole process from scratch. Maybe in another 10 to 15 years we’ll be back on track and after another decade of legal hoedowns, we may be within a year or three of a final ruling," Robinson wrote on a notepad she keeps on her nightstand for just such occasions when she often wakes up to her own blood curdling screams and in a cold sweat after another hellish nightmare in which she realizes she botched yet another case.
“I’m also considering reversing all my other cases in the highly likely event that I botched them too and just haven’t realized it yet. I’m sure the parties won’t mind us simply starting over from the “all rise for the honorable Judge_____” where I get to strut in all God-like and pretend I’m going to help usher in justice and liberate the captive and all that other showy nonsense. I’m mean, what’s a couple lost years here and there? I’ve never been in the business world or had to balance a checkbook, but I’m sure everyone will be just fine with the news. My friend Judge White sits on even the simplest of rulings for years and HIS parties don’t complain. Why should mine?”, the judge was quoted as saying.
Representatives for both Johanson & Johanson and Bob Scientific were unavailable for comment but both companies were rumored to be looking at any and all options up to and including self induced bankruptcy or relocation to the International Space Station to avoid stepping foot in another useless US courtroom.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Cartel Announces Additions to their Hall of Fame and Opening of Extraterrestrial Branch Office
Citing work clearly above and beyond the call of duty (and the bounds of ethics), the cartel today proudly announced the induction of the below team members to their Cartel Hall of Fame. Later today, each will be presented with a plaque engraved with the comment or event that helped elevate them into this elite group in a ceremony led by one of the inductees himself, Steve Applerot.
The inductees are as follows:
FatHead “when I said killing I meant to say suicide” DaBreezy
Linda “hey, I’ve got an even better idea. Let’s drive Rambus away completely” Turnover
Bert “for a $1.50 I’ll write anything up to and including complete lies” McBrush
Mike “please stop calling me a LSOS” Saddleback
Willi “one day all computers will have to be built like this so we better start stealing the IP ASAP” Meijer
Steve “for $500 million I’ll build you 10 RDRAM fabs! (and shutter them all)” Applerot
Dozens of others were given honorable mention “The only place to hide from a subpoena is outer space” coffee mugs and were given papers notifying them of their immediate reassignments to the new branch office.
The inductions were no surprise to those familiar with the industry, but what caught many off guard was the simultaneous announcement that the inductees were being promoted and reassigned to the new cartel branch office which will be located “somewhere near the International Space Station”.
Philip Witmore Jackdaniels, new cartel head of the Permanent Extraterrestrial Relocation department, shared details regarding the new office. “We have always been proud of our frontline leaders who have helped foster an environment where leading edge technology could be strategically acquired and felt it was time to demonstrate just how grateful we are. And what better way to express that gratitude and at the same time show the world our cutting edge technology than by sending our best and brightest into space in a ship of our own design. We are confident the on-board Commodore 64 computer that is bungied to an empty potato crate and crock full of our latest IP, will serve them well. And a special thanks goes out to our local Cub Scout Troop 789 who donated 20 hours to construct the fuselage and Tom’s Hardware for a generous donation of chipboard and recycled deck screws to make the whole project possible. Oh, and I almost forgot the anonymous donation of 2 tons of C4 (you wouldn’t believe how many offers we had to donate this item) which will be packaged in the side mounted rockets and put the hall of famers right where HQ wants them.”
A launch date has yet to be confirmed, but Mr. Jackdaniels noted that it will definitely take place before September 28, 2009.
The inductees are as follows:
FatHead “when I said killing I meant to say suicide” DaBreezy
Linda “hey, I’ve got an even better idea. Let’s drive Rambus away completely” Turnover
Bert “for a $1.50 I’ll write anything up to and including complete lies” McBrush
Mike “please stop calling me a LSOS” Saddleback
Willi “one day all computers will have to be built like this so we better start stealing the IP ASAP” Meijer
Steve “for $500 million I’ll build you 10 RDRAM fabs! (and shutter them all)” Applerot
Dozens of others were given honorable mention “The only place to hide from a subpoena is outer space” coffee mugs and were given papers notifying them of their immediate reassignments to the new branch office.
The inductions were no surprise to those familiar with the industry, but what caught many off guard was the simultaneous announcement that the inductees were being promoted and reassigned to the new cartel branch office which will be located “somewhere near the International Space Station”.
Philip Witmore Jackdaniels, new cartel head of the Permanent Extraterrestrial Relocation department, shared details regarding the new office. “We have always been proud of our frontline leaders who have helped foster an environment where leading edge technology could be strategically acquired and felt it was time to demonstrate just how grateful we are. And what better way to express that gratitude and at the same time show the world our cutting edge technology than by sending our best and brightest into space in a ship of our own design. We are confident the on-board Commodore 64 computer that is bungied to an empty potato crate and crock full of our latest IP, will serve them well. And a special thanks goes out to our local Cub Scout Troop 789 who donated 20 hours to construct the fuselage and Tom’s Hardware for a generous donation of chipboard and recycled deck screws to make the whole project possible. Oh, and I almost forgot the anonymous donation of 2 tons of C4 (you wouldn’t believe how many offers we had to donate this item) which will be packaged in the side mounted rockets and put the hall of famers right where HQ wants them.”
A launch date has yet to be confirmed, but Mr. Jackdaniels noted that it will definitely take place before September 28, 2009.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
USPTO Rejects Rambus Patents and Warns the Public "There's more where that came from!"
(RFP 6/02/09)
In yet another bizarre 1-in-a-trillion coincidence, the USPTO announced today that they were rejecting a handful of Rambus patents the day after Judge Kramer informed the cartel that 'there ain't no stoppin' this train' and warned them to be ready for what promises to be a painful trial. The Judge also advised cartel lawyers that the proceedings would be held on the 36th floor of the new courthouse which is conveniently located directly next to the broken glass and rusty needle open-air museum.
While professing their undying devotion to the principles of fairness and patent protect, the USPTO followed up their rejection announcement with a letter written in goat's blood warning of the strong possibility of additional rejections and other action against Rambus up to and including releasing one rejected patent claim per day for the next 100 days.
"We have nothing against Rambus, but feel compelled to keep them on their toes. They are the only ones left in the industry coming up with any good ideas and that just doesn't seem right", an anonymous source at the USPTO was quoted as saying.
A FedEx employee, also speaking in anonymity, confirmed that plans for a giant catapult capable of launching car sized spit balls had been delivered to the USPTO recently. Coupled with the delivery of 1,600 "The Only Good Rambus is a Dead Rambus" t-shirts and whoopie cushions last week, some are mildly concerned that the office may not be as impartial as they claim to be.
In yet another bizarre 1-in-a-trillion coincidence, the USPTO announced today that they were rejecting a handful of Rambus patents the day after Judge Kramer informed the cartel that 'there ain't no stoppin' this train' and warned them to be ready for what promises to be a painful trial. The Judge also advised cartel lawyers that the proceedings would be held on the 36th floor of the new courthouse which is conveniently located directly next to the broken glass and rusty needle open-air museum.
While professing their undying devotion to the principles of fairness and patent protect, the USPTO followed up their rejection announcement with a letter written in goat's blood warning of the strong possibility of additional rejections and other action against Rambus up to and including releasing one rejected patent claim per day for the next 100 days.
"We have nothing against Rambus, but feel compelled to keep them on their toes. They are the only ones left in the industry coming up with any good ideas and that just doesn't seem right", an anonymous source at the USPTO was quoted as saying.
A FedEx employee, also speaking in anonymity, confirmed that plans for a giant catapult capable of launching car sized spit balls had been delivered to the USPTO recently. Coupled with the delivery of 1,600 "The Only Good Rambus is a Dead Rambus" t-shirts and whoopie cushions last week, some are mildly concerned that the office may not be as impartial as they claim to be.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Judge Kramer Tells Cartel to Prepare for September Trial
Requests neck measurements and reminds the cartel that free personalized souvenir ropes will be handed out after the trial. Also requests bailiff to order new calculator with extra zero's.
(RFP 6/1/09)
Today marked the beginning of the end for the cartel. Years of excuses and date dodging were thrown soundly to the mat by Judge Kramer (may the hair on his head never fall out) as he rebuffed yet another push by the criminal cartel to delay the start of.....anything and everything.
As was to be expected, cartel lawyers found themselves scrambling to find something, anything to pin their thieving clients' hopes on to delay their day of reckoning. And for a change, they came away empty handed.
While today's events went on much longer than many expected and once again paid for a few more trips to Aruba for the cartel lawyers, the arguments were similar to those presented in previous venues and can be summarized as follows:
Excuses for delay:
1. Rambus destroyed something that Judge Robinson and Judge Payne couldn't identify, but if they could, it would be bad and would warrant the annihilation of the entire southern half of France (and the invalidation of all Rambus IP).
2. Rambus should have sued us a long time ago. The wait, regardless of who instigated it, has caused severe emotional distress and heartache. We need time to heal.
3. Rambus tricked us into stealing their ideas by nodding their heads vigorously in a standards setting body we invited them to.
4. Rambus is trying to charge us for patents that have almost expired and thus are worthless. We feel these useless patents should be free even if we continue to use them for 20 more years because they are better than anything we can come up with.
5. We are almost broke and if we can't make money fixing prices on ripped off IP, we are never going to make money. Suing us is like suing a pig for all the extra slop he ate.
6. We're not ready. The dog ate our homework right before we ate the dog.
7. A bag of old rusty paper clips.
8. That guy Crochet scares us. We're concerned that the jury might like him better and just shoot for a nice round $20 billion right after Fathead takes the stand and starts into his Rambus killing seizure.
9. Pitch fork prices are coming down and are now available with plastic tongs and even come in compact pocket sizes that may get into the courtroom.
10. We are running our of excuses. Without delays and excuses, we will be disadvantaged to Rambus who works more efficiently without delays and excuses.
11. Linda Turnover and Fathead DaBreezy were actually contract employees and all those nasty things they said about Rambus have nothing to do with our companies.
12. Appleton made us do it.
13. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding. Give us a few years to negotiate a settlement and we'll make nice. We promise.
Actual legal reasons for delay:
1.
If you thought the summer of 2008 in Korea was hot, sticky and oppressive, think again. Before this is over, Samsung and Hynix may find themselves egging on their neighbors to the North in hopes they put them out of their misery.
(RFP 6/1/09)
Today marked the beginning of the end for the cartel. Years of excuses and date dodging were thrown soundly to the mat by Judge Kramer (may the hair on his head never fall out) as he rebuffed yet another push by the criminal cartel to delay the start of.....anything and everything.
As was to be expected, cartel lawyers found themselves scrambling to find something, anything to pin their thieving clients' hopes on to delay their day of reckoning. And for a change, they came away empty handed.
While today's events went on much longer than many expected and once again paid for a few more trips to Aruba for the cartel lawyers, the arguments were similar to those presented in previous venues and can be summarized as follows:
Excuses for delay:
1. Rambus destroyed something that Judge Robinson and Judge Payne couldn't identify, but if they could, it would be bad and would warrant the annihilation of the entire southern half of France (and the invalidation of all Rambus IP).
2. Rambus should have sued us a long time ago. The wait, regardless of who instigated it, has caused severe emotional distress and heartache. We need time to heal.
3. Rambus tricked us into stealing their ideas by nodding their heads vigorously in a standards setting body we invited them to.
4. Rambus is trying to charge us for patents that have almost expired and thus are worthless. We feel these useless patents should be free even if we continue to use them for 20 more years because they are better than anything we can come up with.
5. We are almost broke and if we can't make money fixing prices on ripped off IP, we are never going to make money. Suing us is like suing a pig for all the extra slop he ate.
6. We're not ready. The dog ate our homework right before we ate the dog.
7. A bag of old rusty paper clips.
8. That guy Crochet scares us. We're concerned that the jury might like him better and just shoot for a nice round $20 billion right after Fathead takes the stand and starts into his Rambus killing seizure.
9. Pitch fork prices are coming down and are now available with plastic tongs and even come in compact pocket sizes that may get into the courtroom.
10. We are running our of excuses. Without delays and excuses, we will be disadvantaged to Rambus who works more efficiently without delays and excuses.
11. Linda Turnover and Fathead DaBreezy were actually contract employees and all those nasty things they said about Rambus have nothing to do with our companies.
12. Appleton made us do it.
13. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding. Give us a few years to negotiate a settlement and we'll make nice. We promise.
Actual legal reasons for delay:
1.
If you thought the summer of 2008 in Korea was hot, sticky and oppressive, think again. Before this is over, Samsung and Hynix may find themselves egging on their neighbors to the North in hopes they put them out of their misery.
Friday, May 29, 2009
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