Citing work clearly above and beyond the call of duty (and the bounds of ethics), the cartel today proudly announced the induction of the below team members to their Cartel Hall of Fame. Later today, each will be presented with a plaque engraved with the comment or event that helped elevate them into this elite group in a ceremony led by one of the inductees himself, Steve Applerot.
The inductees are as follows:
FatHead “when I said killing I meant to say suicide” DaBreezy
Linda “hey, I’ve got an even better idea. Let’s drive Rambus away completely” Turnover
Bert “for a $1.50 I’ll write anything up to and including complete lies” McBrush
Mike “please stop calling me a LSOS” Saddleback
Willi “one day all computers will have to be built like this so we better start stealing the IP ASAP” Meijer
Steve “for $500 million I’ll build you 10 RDRAM fabs! (and shutter them all)” Applerot
Dozens of others were given honorable mention “The only place to hide from a subpoena is outer space” coffee mugs and were given papers notifying them of their immediate reassignments to the new branch office.
The inductions were no surprise to those familiar with the industry, but what caught many off guard was the simultaneous announcement that the inductees were being promoted and reassigned to the new cartel branch office which will be located “somewhere near the International Space Station”.
Philip Witmore Jackdaniels, new cartel head of the Permanent Extraterrestrial Relocation department, shared details regarding the new office. “We have always been proud of our frontline leaders who have helped foster an environment where leading edge technology could be strategically acquired and felt it was time to demonstrate just how grateful we are. And what better way to express that gratitude and at the same time show the world our cutting edge technology than by sending our best and brightest into space in a ship of our own design. We are confident the on-board Commodore 64 computer that is bungied to an empty potato crate and crock full of our latest IP, will serve them well. And a special thanks goes out to our local Cub Scout Troop 789 who donated 20 hours to construct the fuselage and Tom’s Hardware for a generous donation of chipboard and recycled deck screws to make the whole project possible. Oh, and I almost forgot the anonymous donation of 2 tons of C4 (you wouldn’t believe how many offers we had to donate this item) which will be packaged in the side mounted rockets and put the hall of famers right where HQ wants them.”
A launch date has yet to be confirmed, but Mr. Jackdaniels noted that it will definitely take place before September 28, 2009.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
USPTO Rejects Rambus Patents and Warns the Public "There's more where that came from!"
(RFP 6/02/09)
In yet another bizarre 1-in-a-trillion coincidence, the USPTO announced today that they were rejecting a handful of Rambus patents the day after Judge Kramer informed the cartel that 'there ain't no stoppin' this train' and warned them to be ready for what promises to be a painful trial. The Judge also advised cartel lawyers that the proceedings would be held on the 36th floor of the new courthouse which is conveniently located directly next to the broken glass and rusty needle open-air museum.
While professing their undying devotion to the principles of fairness and patent protect, the USPTO followed up their rejection announcement with a letter written in goat's blood warning of the strong possibility of additional rejections and other action against Rambus up to and including releasing one rejected patent claim per day for the next 100 days.
"We have nothing against Rambus, but feel compelled to keep them on their toes. They are the only ones left in the industry coming up with any good ideas and that just doesn't seem right", an anonymous source at the USPTO was quoted as saying.
A FedEx employee, also speaking in anonymity, confirmed that plans for a giant catapult capable of launching car sized spit balls had been delivered to the USPTO recently. Coupled with the delivery of 1,600 "The Only Good Rambus is a Dead Rambus" t-shirts and whoopie cushions last week, some are mildly concerned that the office may not be as impartial as they claim to be.
In yet another bizarre 1-in-a-trillion coincidence, the USPTO announced today that they were rejecting a handful of Rambus patents the day after Judge Kramer informed the cartel that 'there ain't no stoppin' this train' and warned them to be ready for what promises to be a painful trial. The Judge also advised cartel lawyers that the proceedings would be held on the 36th floor of the new courthouse which is conveniently located directly next to the broken glass and rusty needle open-air museum.
While professing their undying devotion to the principles of fairness and patent protect, the USPTO followed up their rejection announcement with a letter written in goat's blood warning of the strong possibility of additional rejections and other action against Rambus up to and including releasing one rejected patent claim per day for the next 100 days.
"We have nothing against Rambus, but feel compelled to keep them on their toes. They are the only ones left in the industry coming up with any good ideas and that just doesn't seem right", an anonymous source at the USPTO was quoted as saying.
A FedEx employee, also speaking in anonymity, confirmed that plans for a giant catapult capable of launching car sized spit balls had been delivered to the USPTO recently. Coupled with the delivery of 1,600 "The Only Good Rambus is a Dead Rambus" t-shirts and whoopie cushions last week, some are mildly concerned that the office may not be as impartial as they claim to be.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Judge Kramer Tells Cartel to Prepare for September Trial
Requests neck measurements and reminds the cartel that free personalized souvenir ropes will be handed out after the trial. Also requests bailiff to order new calculator with extra zero's.
(RFP 6/1/09)
Today marked the beginning of the end for the cartel. Years of excuses and date dodging were thrown soundly to the mat by Judge Kramer (may the hair on his head never fall out) as he rebuffed yet another push by the criminal cartel to delay the start of.....anything and everything.
As was to be expected, cartel lawyers found themselves scrambling to find something, anything to pin their thieving clients' hopes on to delay their day of reckoning. And for a change, they came away empty handed.
While today's events went on much longer than many expected and once again paid for a few more trips to Aruba for the cartel lawyers, the arguments were similar to those presented in previous venues and can be summarized as follows:
Excuses for delay:
1. Rambus destroyed something that Judge Robinson and Judge Payne couldn't identify, but if they could, it would be bad and would warrant the annihilation of the entire southern half of France (and the invalidation of all Rambus IP).
2. Rambus should have sued us a long time ago. The wait, regardless of who instigated it, has caused severe emotional distress and heartache. We need time to heal.
3. Rambus tricked us into stealing their ideas by nodding their heads vigorously in a standards setting body we invited them to.
4. Rambus is trying to charge us for patents that have almost expired and thus are worthless. We feel these useless patents should be free even if we continue to use them for 20 more years because they are better than anything we can come up with.
5. We are almost broke and if we can't make money fixing prices on ripped off IP, we are never going to make money. Suing us is like suing a pig for all the extra slop he ate.
6. We're not ready. The dog ate our homework right before we ate the dog.
7. A bag of old rusty paper clips.
8. That guy Crochet scares us. We're concerned that the jury might like him better and just shoot for a nice round $20 billion right after Fathead takes the stand and starts into his Rambus killing seizure.
9. Pitch fork prices are coming down and are now available with plastic tongs and even come in compact pocket sizes that may get into the courtroom.
10. We are running our of excuses. Without delays and excuses, we will be disadvantaged to Rambus who works more efficiently without delays and excuses.
11. Linda Turnover and Fathead DaBreezy were actually contract employees and all those nasty things they said about Rambus have nothing to do with our companies.
12. Appleton made us do it.
13. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding. Give us a few years to negotiate a settlement and we'll make nice. We promise.
Actual legal reasons for delay:
1.
If you thought the summer of 2008 in Korea was hot, sticky and oppressive, think again. Before this is over, Samsung and Hynix may find themselves egging on their neighbors to the North in hopes they put them out of their misery.
(RFP 6/1/09)
Today marked the beginning of the end for the cartel. Years of excuses and date dodging were thrown soundly to the mat by Judge Kramer (may the hair on his head never fall out) as he rebuffed yet another push by the criminal cartel to delay the start of.....anything and everything.
As was to be expected, cartel lawyers found themselves scrambling to find something, anything to pin their thieving clients' hopes on to delay their day of reckoning. And for a change, they came away empty handed.
While today's events went on much longer than many expected and once again paid for a few more trips to Aruba for the cartel lawyers, the arguments were similar to those presented in previous venues and can be summarized as follows:
Excuses for delay:
1. Rambus destroyed something that Judge Robinson and Judge Payne couldn't identify, but if they could, it would be bad and would warrant the annihilation of the entire southern half of France (and the invalidation of all Rambus IP).
2. Rambus should have sued us a long time ago. The wait, regardless of who instigated it, has caused severe emotional distress and heartache. We need time to heal.
3. Rambus tricked us into stealing their ideas by nodding their heads vigorously in a standards setting body we invited them to.
4. Rambus is trying to charge us for patents that have almost expired and thus are worthless. We feel these useless patents should be free even if we continue to use them for 20 more years because they are better than anything we can come up with.
5. We are almost broke and if we can't make money fixing prices on ripped off IP, we are never going to make money. Suing us is like suing a pig for all the extra slop he ate.
6. We're not ready. The dog ate our homework right before we ate the dog.
7. A bag of old rusty paper clips.
8. That guy Crochet scares us. We're concerned that the jury might like him better and just shoot for a nice round $20 billion right after Fathead takes the stand and starts into his Rambus killing seizure.
9. Pitch fork prices are coming down and are now available with plastic tongs and even come in compact pocket sizes that may get into the courtroom.
10. We are running our of excuses. Without delays and excuses, we will be disadvantaged to Rambus who works more efficiently without delays and excuses.
11. Linda Turnover and Fathead DaBreezy were actually contract employees and all those nasty things they said about Rambus have nothing to do with our companies.
12. Appleton made us do it.
13. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding. Give us a few years to negotiate a settlement and we'll make nice. We promise.
Actual legal reasons for delay:
1.
If you thought the summer of 2008 in Korea was hot, sticky and oppressive, think again. Before this is over, Samsung and Hynix may find themselves egging on their neighbors to the North in hopes they put them out of their misery.
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