Judge Kramer Tells Cartel to Prepare for September Trial

Requests neck measurements and reminds the cartel that free personalized souvenir ropes will be handed out after the trial. Also requests bailiff to order new calculator with extra zero's.


(RFP 6/1/09)
Today marked the beginning of the end for the cartel. Years of excuses and date dodging were thrown soundly to the mat by Judge Kramer (may the hair on his head never fall out) as he rebuffed yet another push by the criminal cartel to delay the start of.....anything and everything.

As was to be expected, cartel lawyers found themselves scrambling to find something, anything to pin their thieving clients' hopes on to delay their day of reckoning. And for a change, they came away empty handed.

While today's events went on much longer than many expected and once again paid for a few more trips to Aruba for the cartel lawyers, the arguments were similar to those presented in previous venues and can be summarized as follows:

Excuses for delay:

1. Rambus destroyed something that Judge Robinson and Judge Payne couldn't identify, but if they could, it would be bad and would warrant the annihilation of the entire southern half of France (and the invalidation of all Rambus IP).

2. Rambus should have sued us a long time ago. The wait, regardless of who instigated it, has caused severe emotional distress and heartache. We need time to heal.

3. Rambus tricked us into stealing their ideas by nodding their heads vigorously in a standards setting body we invited them to.

4. Rambus is trying to charge us for patents that have almost expired and thus are worthless. We feel these useless patents should be free even if we continue to use them for 20 more years because they are better than anything we can come up with.

5. We are almost broke and if we can't make money fixing prices on ripped off IP, we are never going to make money. Suing us is like suing a pig for all the extra slop he ate.

6. We're not ready. The dog ate our homework right before we ate the dog.

7. A bag of old rusty paper clips.

8. That guy Crochet scares us. We're concerned that the jury might like him better and just shoot for a nice round $20 billion right after Fathead takes the stand and starts into his Rambus killing seizure.

9. Pitch fork prices are coming down and are now available with plastic tongs and even come in compact pocket sizes that may get into the courtroom.

10. We are running our of excuses. Without delays and excuses, we will be disadvantaged to Rambus who works more efficiently without delays and excuses.

11. Linda Turnover and Fathead DaBreezy were actually contract employees and all those nasty things they said about Rambus have nothing to do with our companies.

12. Appleton made us do it.

13. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding. Give us a few years to negotiate a settlement and we'll make nice. We promise.


Actual legal reasons for delay:

1.




If you thought the summer of 2008 in Korea was hot, sticky and oppressive, think again. Before this is over, Samsung and Hynix may find themselves egging on their neighbors to the North in hopes they put them out of their misery.